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| Muzak. |
| 04.28.04 (3:24 am) [edit] |
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I've been spinning the same discs in my CD changer for millenias. Time to junk them. Dropped by the legit local CD shops to look at what is available. I'm in the mood for some trance crap. Sadly, the choices available there are pathetic. Mostly commercial dance nonsense with even more nonsensical titles. Ketchup ketchup dance? TechnoNation XII? Best of the Pubs? WTF?!?! Really sad to see all these Ah Beng titles selling like hot cakes. Drove over to check out the less-than legit CD stalls. While flipping thru the catalog... I'm suprised to see the titles they carry. I left for home with Timo Maas's [i]Music for the Masses[/i] and Paul Oakenfold's [i]Perfect Remixes[/i] spinning merrily in my car. Suprise... suprise...
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| Oh peaceful sleep... where art thou? |
| 04.23.04 (8:58 pm) [edit] |
I’ve haven’t been getting any quality sleep lately. Guess the erratic late night suppers and flicking thru the channels till the wee hours of the morning have screwed up my body’s biological clock (BCLK). I wake up at the strangest of hours and can no longer sleep after that. End up slogging thru the weekdays with zombie-like tenacity. It’s really is a bloody chore just trying to get out of bed each morning.
[b]BCLK[/b] : Oi! Shithead! No more oink oink liao…
[b]Me[/b] : Mrphhh…?! **scratch head, wipe drool, scratch butt…** Zzzz…
[b]BCLK[/b] : **Bonks oink oink’s head wiv caveman club** DOSH!!!
[b]Me[/b] : OWWW!! **looks at time** Kanasai… sun also not yet rise yet… you SIAO-ah?!?!
[b]BCLK[/b] : Who ask u smart smart eat like pig last nite? Now ur sleep pattern disrupted, u blame me… bleh… idiot…
[b]Me[/b] : F**k lar… u really give me difficult time these few weeks. KNN… I got a lot of work-lar today… let me sleep a bit more-lar… **cover head wiv pillow**
[b]BCLK[/b] : ELO… I not kiddin-leh… I pee on u then u know… I drank one jug last nite…
[b]Me[/b] : Whateva-lar @$$hole… u can go hump yourself if you want… I no care…
[b]BCLK[/b] : Oi… look look look… got damn cun hoochie-mamma walking by!!!
[b]Me[/b] : Wha?! Where… where?!?! **Jump out of bed and look out window** Ah?! Lu-si-chi-piak!!! That’s my 60-plus year old neighbour doing gardening-lar!!! Really potong stim only you! I’m going back to bed…
[b]BCLK[/b] : Cheh… giv u chance ogle at good stuff also dun wan.
[b]Me[/b] : Ewww… giv u-lar…
[b]BCLK[/b] : Bitch.
[b]Me[/b] : Shitty ah kua.
[b]BCLK[/b] : Slut.
[b]Me[/b] : Wei… pls-lar… let me sleep… pls… I really like panda liao… look at my eyes **points at dark rings around the anime-size eyes, complete wiv red-veins**
[b]BCLK[/b] : Cheh… ur problem-lar… once I giv u morning call… garenti cannot sleep anymore oreidi. I’m like this pimple on ur butt which u cannot get rid off… hehehe **evil grin**
[b]Me[/b] : Juz let me catch another 40 winks… at least I can stay awake today so that I can get some work done.
[b]BCLK[/b] : 40 winks your head. U wink one time I bitch-slap u 10 times.
[b]Me[/b] : Bleh…
[b]Me[/b] : Sniff… sniff. So now how… u want to bug me till I mampus-lar izzit? Have mercy-lar… I only small-fry nia… go bug my boss-lar…
[b]BCLK[/b] : MuAaaHAaahahHAHAHAhaahaa! !!
[b]BCLK[/b] : Oh yeah… forgot to tell u something. Today is Saturday. U no work. But I still work overtime today. U see I so hardworking… good hah?
[b]Me[/b] : ARRRRRGGGHHHHHH!!! I HATE U!!!
[b]BCLK[/b] : Don’t thank me. I love you too **blinks sparkling angelic eyes**
[i]*[b]Note[/b] : If u come across some words u don’t understand… don’t worry. You ain’t missing out much. It’s mostly local-dialect cuss words :)[/i]
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| Mmm :) |
| 04.21.04 (9:44 pm) [edit] |
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I'm sure everyone have some sort of guilty pleasure they love to indulge in. Well, mine is comfort food. Anything which clogs up my arteries pronto. Crisps, tortillas, dips, bacon strips, cheese, burgers. Speakin of burgers, I a sucker for these. No, I'm not interested in the crap McDs churn out by the millions. The patties don't even taste like meat. Those taste like starchy paper pulp flavoured with who knows what. What I'm drooling over for is the burgers churned out by those cap wearing youths who operate by the sidewalks. Who cares if the stall looks like some bastardized contraption from junkyard hell. These ppl really know how to whip up a mean tasting burger. They operate by one simple rule; double everything. Triple if necessary. Greasy, juicy, cheesy, meaty burgers. Throw out the top layer which is a sorry excuse for a salad dressing. Go straight for the huge slab of meat sandwiched between the butter soaked toasted bun. The first bite will send oodles of melted cheese flowing while the omelet wrapping the patty gives a nice taste to complement the mad rush of flavours exploding in yer mouth. Who cares if the doctors say cholestrol is bad for your heart. If u ain't eating well, u ain't livin at all! Gimme my grease coated burger with double the cheese and double the patties! And leave me in my own nirvana for the next couple of minutes :)
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| A moment. |
| 04.20.04 (9:55 pm) [edit] |
My 21inch monitor is my daily companion. The accumulative effect of the radiation must have fried the grey matter between my ears eons ago. Which could explain why it’s been so hard for me to find a topic to talk about for the past few weeks. Since I’ve no actual topic to talk about, I guess I can rant bout the many types of ppl I met during my 25 year existence.
Ppl come and go. I have the fortunate pleasure of meeting some of the most naïve friends during the better half of my life. It was sheer bliss. We have no hidden agenda. What you see is what you get. We were like kids way past their expiry date. U could say we weren’t in a hurry to grow up. Which could work both ways. For one, ignorance shielded us from the bitterness of the world. On the other hand, ignorance brought havoc during the later stages of our life.
As I grew older, I met many other individuals with a kaleidoscope of outlook in life. Some were genuinely warm. Others, with personalities which were harder to decipher. I’ve met my fair share of bad hats as well. It took me a while before I knew how to sort one from the other. All along, I believed that if you treat the world with respect, no harm will ever befall us. FAT CHANCE. The majority of the world is filled with pretty well meaning individuals. But it’s also littered with bastards, bitches and some of the lowest living scums I can think of. I learnt the hard way. But it’s cool. If I got to do things all over again, I still wouldn’t want it any other way.
Ppl come and go. But the ones which intrigued me most are those who’s actual self doesn’t show till you get to know them better. They may look like the most carefree ppl in the world, but as friendship matures, I learn things bout them which either shock me or brings a tear to my eye. I’m amazed by their calmness and their amazing resilience despite all which have happened. Which makes me kind of ashamed to think of the times when I hav suicidal thoughts everytime life comes down hard on me. These are the individuals I look up to. Not some high achieving S.O.B. which tramples all which stands in their way. I could choose to follow this path. But I pretty sure if I try fucking the world, I’ll get screwed 10 fold in return.
In the mean time, I guess I’ll just settle for mediocrity and lay low till I find some real purpose in life.
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| Listening to... |
| 04.16.04 (12:17 am) [edit] |
[b]George Michael - I Can't Make You Love Me[/b]
[i]Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me
'Cause I can't make you love me If you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart, and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
And I can't make you love me
If you don't
I'll close my eyes and then I won't see
The love you do not feel, when you're holding me
Morning will come, and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then, to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight
And I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
And here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no, you won't
And I can't make you love me
If you don't
Ain't no use in you trying
It's no good for me baby without love
All my tears, all these years, everything I believed in
Baby
Oh yeah
Someone's gonna love me[/i]
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| Infinite loop of uncertainty. |
| 04.15.04 (10:01 pm) [edit] |
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I guess it stupidity. Maybe I just needed a closure. Maybe I just wasn't willing to let go. Whatever it was, I sure wasn't thinkin straight when I picked up my cell and punched in those familiar numbers. After a long pause, her voice appeared at the other end. A brief exchange of greetings passed by. We sounded very much like strangers meeting for the first time. Another long pause passed before I a cleared my throat and asked her if we could meet up. The tone of her voice obviously suggested that she wasn't exactly thrilled by the idea. Awkward as it is, she still relented. Streetlamps streaked by me as I drove down to pick her up. I began to recall both good and bad events during the past few months. A few really left my heart raw everytime I thought bout it. The door opened. As she eased herself into the seat, I gave her a smile before driving off to an old spot of ours to hav a talk. I sat next to her. But there was an obvious restraint between us. Eventually, I told her the purpose of meeting up. I was hoping we could patch things up. I asked her, why were there so much uncertainties which eventually lead to the state we were in now? I sincerely tried to understand the problems she was going through, but each time, it seem to drive me further and further away from her. I could not understand how one can leave the other half clueless and refuse to meet or talk everytime one experiences an emotional roller coaster. This really is unfair to the other half which is left wondering what in the world is going on; being alone several days in a stretch with no means of communications. Making this a weekly affair frustrated me to no end. I wanted to be part of her life, not just a mere accessory one can use when the need arises so. I got no answers. She told me that she's got things which cannot be shared and there are times whereby she rather not talk nor meet at all. If a person refuses to accept these terms, then it's not worth the time. I could not understand this. Here I am offering all my time, concern and affection, and I get brushed aside everytime one has a mood attack. Eventually, I realized that the talk was going no where. After what felt like an eternity of silence, I dropped her off the front of her home. No gestures, no goodbyes. I left with more tears in my eyes than I ever had in a very long time.
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| 10 Reasons why I hate myself. |
| 04.12.04 (9:37 pm) [edit] |
1. I hate myself for having rock bottom self esteem.
2. I hate myself for sticking in the rut I'm in by not moving on.
3. I hate myself for alienating myself and losing all my friends which I once had.
4. I hate myself for loving others more than I love myself.
5. I hate myself for not fighting for what I believed was mine back then.
6. I hate myself for not being able to read ppl's mind so that I will not unintentionally hurt them in anyway.
7. I hate myself for not having any goals in life.
8. I hate myself for being a sissy and letting ppl take advantage of me, over and over again.
9. I hate myself for not spending more time wiv my family.
10. I hate myself for writting these nonsensical juvenile crap.
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| Thoughts. |
| 04.12.04 (4:39 am) [edit] |
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Someone once told me everyone needs to hav frens in this world. Ppl to hang out wiv, joke around wiv, ppl to bring some normal-icy to one's life. Buddies. As I ponder upon my existance at the moment, I realized that this aspect have been sorely missing in my life for some time. I still keep in contact with a handful of really old friends which I invite over for a cup of java once in a blue moon. But I no longer hav a group of buddies which I can hang out wiv over the weekend after a long tiring working week. I do hang out wiv my colleagues... but there is a distinctive difference between working friends and buddies. I really miss my old college buddies... which were part of my life till early last year. Those were some of the most carefree times I had. I left them coz I had to. Either that or risk losing my sanity. And up till now, I'm still 'gang'-less. The loneliness at times is really excruciating. I'm really hoping for some divine intervention to help guide me towards a more purpose driven life soon. I'm really tired of wandering around with no real exit in sight... I hav to admit I'm 'lost' by my own...
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| What's spinning... |
| 04.08.04 (7:35 pm) [edit] |
Went thru my old CD collection.
Currently listening to the excellent DJ Tiesto's "In My Memory" and Paul Van Dyk's "Politics Of Dancing".
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| Another day. |
| 04.05.04 (4:58 am) [edit] |
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Been some time since I last blogged. I believe 2 weeks have passed. Been immersing myself in work. You could say I'm beginning to treat my workplace as a refuge of sorts during my time of uncertainties. I still feel the anvil tugging at my heart though I'm mentally pretty numb from mopping around day after day. I didn't feel like talking. I didn't feel like doing pretty much anything. But I did take a long drive yesterday evening. I reached a spot somewhere near the north edge of the island. Dark clouds were loomin ahead. Though it never actually rained, a very light spray did break through the clouds but it wasn't enough to bother me. I sat on a sandy spot and gazed ahead the horizon. The gentle breeze whistled pass my ears as I wrapped my arms round my thighs. I sat there, in a fetal-like position, till darkness consumed the sky. I was aware, but had no recollection of time during those moments there. I had a million worries then yet I didn't bother to care. I felt a horrendous amount of anguish yet I didn't shed a tear. It was a weird evening which I could not decypher nor understand.
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Blogs By My Everyday Buddies
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cmos
Complementary Metal Oxide Semiconductor. A process that uses both N- and P-channel devices in a complimentary fashion to achieve small geometries and low power consumption.
Also
coincidently the online nick of a very average bloke who at times can be a totally spaced-out blur sotong. Armed with his limited knowledge and talents, he embarks on a personal quest to understand, and hopefully survive this thingy called 'life'.
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